'You Talkin' to Me?' A first look at Sonia Gandhi's secret memoir

By Overrated Outcast

Editor’s note: A few weeks ago, after the release of Natwar Singh’s latest book, Sonia Gandhi promised to give a fitting reply to all allegations with a book of her own. Many of us thought that the book would not be written and was another excuse for her to not be answerable to anyone. However, our friends in the publishing industry were kind enough to leak the first chapter of her book to us and prove us wrong. When we first received it, we were surprised that it was written in Hindi (of a kind). So we put the whole thing through Google translate and this is what we ended up with.

Over past few year, I have sat back and seen many accusing family of a lot of bad things. So many sell book based on spreading rumour about family. I no say anything because I feel best way to put someone in place is for self not to acknowledge their existence while minions publicly question everything rumour-monger ever did.

I never thought that one day I would need to write book to explain myself. Always thought everything was self-explanatory. But many people in party and fair weather friend in media have told that I should write book to clarify everything. So I am writing book to clarify everything.

Most recent a former member of party has been peddling his book claiming to have inside information. He so brave writing book after we lose election. If he really care about country, he should write book when we were in power. Not like we could do anything! We so politically incompetent we manage to turn more opponent into hero than marvel comic.

I no get, though. I fire person with suspicion of corruption and I bad guy? He spend whole book talking about how he owe everything to Gandhi family. This how he repay family? By airing dirty laundry? Or pretending that I said thing that I clearly did not? Why no one respect omerta anymore?

Before election another guy publish book pretending to put brand new information in public domain. All he do is complain and he also hailed as truth teller? He did terrible job with responsibility given! He supposed to make good media narrative for Manmohan but he failed more miserable than the Indian cricket team playing oversea test match. So I fire him. What wrong I do?

Another journalist write book about how I treat capital city like a Durbar. She admit that the only reason she hate me is because I stop being friend with her after she back-stab me. Am I only one to read her book? She literally is cheerleader for royal family and she pretend to be against dynasty? To think her world-view would have been completely different if I continued to invite her to many dinner party.

Truth is when it come to me and my family, people believe anything. This is why I tell publisher that I write whole book myself. If I don’t write every word in my hand, Subramanian Swamy will file PIL in Supreme Court and waste everyone time. So I say it better you let me write, wart and all.

Some guy say that I make Rajiv convert to Christianity to marry me. Yes, because his mother would have allow that to happen! She totally person who accommodate wishes of other people! Not like to control everything at all. So understanding!

If I asked him to convert, I would have wedding in Italy with all family. Instead I come to India. I even had to stay with the Bachchans while ceremonies were performed. They were nice and hospitable but at the end of two days, I got real sick of Jaya going on about how she is much better actor than her husband and how jealous that makes him. Or maybe it was story of movie they did together? I no remember clearly because at that time my Hindi was worse than Kapil Sibal’s poetry.

People also say I name children Raul and Bianca. Really? Could I not find better name for them? These same people accuse me of being mastermind behind every bad thing happen to family and then think I am so stupid as to give offspring their Indian name in Italian? Someone should start rumour that I name children after brand of pasta and people will believe that too. Hope these idiot never check themselves into mental hospital because such stupid make me laugh all the time.

Same people also believe that I own two antique shops in Italy which sell artefacts I smuggled out of country. I have confession to make. This rumour is true. No media say anything about it because I bribe them. I also bribe previous NDA government for six years to not look into issue. I use my connection to Vatican to stop Italian authorities from investigating, because if there is one thing the Vatican is good at, it’s avoiding scrutiny for criminal activity.

I use my influence with the Rothschilds-who I have never met-to silence every reporter from every publication in the world from looking into this huge career building story. The only way I can be stopped is if some brave patriot collect enough money for digital camera and economy class ticket to Italy and travel there to find shops. Then I’m done for.

People say I no real Indian. Let see. I left my home, adopted the customs of my husband’s family, became a good stay-at-home mom, reluctantly leaving only to save the family business from abject desolation, and then taking it to new heights while keeping the seat warm for the next male heir. I am more of an perfect Indian daughter-in-law than a Smriti Irani character in a soap opera.

Please keep making such allegation. It make me look like victim and you like asshole partisan aggressor.

Many also say UPA achieve nothing. This not true. UPA programs uplift many poor Indian citizens out of poverty. For example: every member of Karunanidhi family now have more money than Jayalalitha have photoshopped banners of world leaders bowing to her.

UPA program and policy so secular they manage to create new minority: people who voted for the UPA. We also manage to create many job. So many comedians, columnists, news anchors and talking heads made career just talking about our screw-ups. Which other government done so much for India outrage industry?

Many accuse me of continuing to lead Congress party despite huge loss. Do any of these well-wishers think the Congress Party will survive without a Gandhi at helm? This is not your grandfather’s Congress Party. This is Indira Gandhi’s party. It says right there in the name! Who is going to lead the party if not a member of its founder’s family? After election I saw Shashi Tharoor trying to take charge and promising that things will change. Yes, a political party in India will unite behind erudite Ivy league graduate who has no charisma whatsoever. That work out so well last time!

But that story for another day.