From the beauty pageant ramp to the Bollywood podium, it was a cakewalk for the teenaged Tanushree Dutta. Pirouetting to fame, flashbulbs and films, her dream run had just begun when something snapped within her. Whether it was her inability to survive the shenanigans of showbiz, or her incapacity to court a world thriving on wiles, or an inherent depression... or a mix of all these, the young actor quit it all for a spiritual quest. She sought refuge in an ashram, did menial chores, practised yoga, meditated... only to remain as confused as ever. In search of solace, she returned, saddled with disappointment. With the so-called gurus and the nirvana they hard-sell and the literal price she had to pay in a bid to attain so-called ‘moksha’. “It was a waste of time. Peace is the last thing that you’ll find in ashrams,” she cries. A tonsured head and several kilos later, a wary Tanushree stumbled upon peace in a non-descript monastery in Ladakh, which earmarked her return to life and normalcy. Today she’s a great deal lighter — having shed not only several pounds but also her befuddled ideologies. “I’ve finally found my faith in Christianity,” she says pointing to the crucifix on the wall. “I prefer the dead (saints) over the live,” she smiles. Ready to take another go in films, a world she hastily renounced she believes, “I’m supposed to do something. That’s why I’ve returned.” In her words...
TO BE OR NOT TO BE
I had a dream start with the pageant (won the title of Femina Miss India 2004) and signed films at breakneck speed. In 2005, I had two releases - Chocolate and Aashiq Banaya Apne. I didn’t go through the mandatory struggle, which is necessary as it helps you learn patience and the nuances of business. Also, when you are new, an outsider, everyone has advice for you – you should do this movie and not that, you should do ads/not do ads, you should date/ not date, you can be seen with a glass at a party/you shouldn’t be seen with a glass, you should be working with this Khan… Oh! I felt confused and intimidated. I wondered whether what I was doing was not good enough.Like a typical Pisces, which is symbolised by two fish facing in opposite directions, one side of me was having fun working, travelling, partying, making money and dating and the other was getting affected by the scrutiny. While some of my films worked and some didn’t, I took my failures to heart. My scattered state of mind didn’t help me make the correct choices. I felt envious of my peers. I did send one or two messages to big filmmakers for work and was hurt when they didn’t reply.
OUCH! THE COUCH
Being an introvert didn’t help either. To be able to use my personality to my advantage is something
I lack. I heard people say ‘she’s standoffish and arrogant’. Women by nature are shy. But the industry doesn’t allow you to be so. You have got to be this loud and giggly girl sitting on people’s laps. Then the industry regards you as polite. As for the casting couch, no one approached me because I guess no one likes to be rejected. Or maybe some shameless ones did insinuate and I missed the hint.
NOT OK PLEASE!
Doing the film Horn Ok Please (2008) was a scary experience (Tanushree had alleged that co-star Nana Patekar had misbehaved while rehearsing for the film’s item number). Normally, would a man start flirting with a woman at a party without even knowing her? But in Bollywood, men tend to take liberties with an actress. No matter how big you are, I don’t believe anyone is big enough to cross their limits. Why do people forget their manners? Maybe I could have handled the issue differently. But someone piling on you is scary. I got defensive when pushed against the wall. There was a huge bawal (ruckus) with political parties getting involved and breaking my car. Traumatised, I took a break for a year. Strangely after the controversy, people were willing to pay me double my fee. But I couldn’t trust anyone. I could deal with flop films but not bad people. After a year I returned with films like Apartment, Ramaa: The Saviour and Rokkk between 2009-2010.
HITTING DEPRESSION
Anyone else would have been on top of the world after the comeback. But I was the most miserable person. I felt a quest for spirituality. I don’t know if it was to do with my professional turbulence. But I had always been reading books by Dr Brian Weiss, Paulo Coelho… and others. Anyway, I took off for the USA and did a short course at the New York Academy. While in Los Angeles, the mountain city, I felt Bollywood was not for me. By then I had spent all my money. My parents and managers began calling me back frantically. When I finally landed in Mumbai, I was consumed by depression.
(L-R) Tanushree Dutta as a glamour girl, in Ladakh and photographed with her short hair after the ashram phase
ASHRAM ANGST
Meanwhile, a friend suggested that I visit the The Isha Yoga Centre in Coimbatore (founder Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev). Earlier I had done the Art of living course but their sudarshan kriya always gave me a headache. I went to Coimbatore trying to escape something. There I was expecting some great enlightenment to happen. But I realised after my year and a half stay there that those who had been in the ashram for more than 15 years were not enlightened yet and that even if I dedicated my entire life there, nothing would happen. It may work for others but it wasn’t for me. In fact, I lost my peace of mind. I had bad dreams and felt fatigued all the time. I developed an unnatural monstrous appetite, craved heavy stuff and I slept till late. If I didn’t do their kriyas I felt all the more lethargic.
All those who run away to ashrams, thinking they are doing something great are just performing daily chores there – cooking, gardening etc. After all, the place has to be run. They are not living in eternal bliss. You remain the human being you are. The anxieties, the frustrations, the depression remain.
I thought that if I had to cook in their kitchen, meditate and reach God, why couldn’t I cook in my house, meditate and reach God? Back home my father was worried. I was putting in all my money there. And I wasn’t even working. I needed two lakhs for a visit to Mansarovar with the ashram people. Dad refused to give me any more money. My sister Insita (TV actor) said, “Dad spends sleepless nights worrying about you. Stop giving him stress and wrap up your nonsense!” I returned home with the realisation that I couldn’t achieve enlightenment by hurting my parents.
ROAD TO LADAKH
Back home, I remained restless. Once, I saw the map of Ladakh in my dream. Something told me to go to Ladakh. I also wanted to shave my head. I went to a men’s salon where the barber gave me a crew cut. I then asked my sister to shave it off totally. The shackles were finally broken when I saw my bald self. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey. In Ladakh I came across a Buddhist meditation centre where I learnt the simple breathing technique. There was no big talk! That did the trick. Someone returned my life to me. An uncanny peace returned. My food habits fell milder. I was advised Vipassana. Before Ladakh, I was like a possessed person. I was exorcised in Ladakh.
THE LESSON
What all this taught me is there’s no enlightenment, nirvana, moksha in the ashrams... it’s all bullshit! Husbands abandoning wives, children leaving parents… this is not spirituality. You can seek spirituality by being with your family and doing your job. What if you can’t afford these ashrams? Had my father not looked after my finances I’d have been on the streets.
Hordes follow gurus believing they will find peace. Peace is the last thing that you’ll find in ashrams. It’s an unrealistic goal. Someone who says he’s a guru – is he really enlightened? He hobnobs with politicians and celebrities instead. Despite a hundred self-proclaimed gurus, why do we have the maximum rapes and brutality here?
BEYOND LOVE
I have had my share of relationships. Love is the best thing but if for one it’s love and for the other, convenience, it doesn’t work. Yes, I was dating Aditya Dutt (director of Aashiq Banaya Aapne). I didn’t speak about it because it takes away from my work.
I know I’m not the best looking girl nor am I charmer. But surely, the quality of men has deteriorated. Also, I’ve gone beyond my years. A part of me is still romantic but a part of me is real. A guy may find me attractive. He could be jumpy because I’m still a mystery for him. It’s the ‘new girl’ syndrome. I can see through those wiles. I’d want a relationship that goes beyond the physical and emotional. Relationships usually turn into a crutch. I’ve seen through the futility of seeking happiness through someone. I am in a happy space today. I don’t want anyone to mess it up. I want a partner in my spiritual journey. If it’s otherwise I have experienced it.
I am no longer curious. And though I’ve a strong maternal instinct I don’t want to have kids. I’d be miserable in the pregnancy and post pregnancy phase due to the hormonal fluctuations. Few women have it all flowery. May be I’d adopt. Right now I just want to enjoy my return to films.
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