The Mill went to see that Michael Douglas and Matt Damon film the other day and was shocked to learn that it was not a biopic about Vincent Candela so it could have read the following incorrectly too. It would probably make more sense, for news that Chelsea are willing to let Juan Mata leave makes about as much sense as the storyline of Man of Steel (why did no one just tell General Zod to chillax?). The midfielder has apparently fallen out with José Mourinho, whose raison d'être these days seems to be winding up the Spanish, because The Happy One is blocking a new pay rise and Barcelona are planning a £30m swoop. They're already "making overtures" to Mata's father.
Once Mata is safely ensconced inside the Camp Nou, Barcelona will move quickly to sell Thiago Alcântara to Manchester United, David Villa to Tottenham, Christian Tello to someone and overrated timewaster Alexis Sanchez to the local scrapyard, before heading off to Paris to nab Thiago Silva, which will also spell trouble for Chelsea. If Barcelona get what they want then PSG will need a new centre-back and they believe David Luiz, who they value at £35m, is the man to fill that hole.
Not that PSG always get what they want – they've been thwarted in their attempt to appoint Tottenham's André Villas-Boas as their new manager and have instead turned their attention to the Russia manager Fabio Capello, whose contract has a £3m buyout clause. It's a totally rational way of going about your business: if rejected by a young up-and-coming Portuguese manager, then clearly the response should be to chase a 67-year-old Italian who hasn't managed a club side since 2007. They'll be after Joe Kinnear next.
Villas-Boas's decision to stay at White Hart Lane is a handy boost for Tottenham, and life could get even better for them if they are successful in their bids for a pair of Brazilian midfielders, Corinthians' Paulinho and Atlético Mineiro's Bernard. Yes, Bernard. It's not all good news for Tottenham, though, because Gareth Bale is off to Real Madrid! How do we know this? Because they have earmarked the No11 shirt, previously worn by Ricardo Carvalho, for the Welsh flyer. Madrid really do know how to woo a target. They've even promised there'll be a mint waiting on his pillow every evening.
Not content with derailing Tottenham, Madrid also intend to derail the best-laid plans of Chelsea and Manchester City. Firstly they'll enrage Chelsea by signing Edinson Cavani from Napoli and then they'll drop a fly in City's champagne by pinching Isco from Malaga, the utter wretches. Although having said that, Isco could yet become a target for Bayern Munich if they listen to their former manager Jupp Heynckes. "There are some very interesting players out there – like Málaga star Isco," he said, sounding curiously like a tabloid journalist. "He's a class act in midfield." Does anyone else reckon that Heynckes actually said "Malaga star" or "class act"? No, thought not.
With Andy Carroll's move to West Ham almost done, boring old Sam Allardyce is about to go STRIKER CRAZY!!! Wilfried Zaha, Romelu Lukaku and Demba Ba are all loan targets, while West Ham have also joined the pack chasing Udinese's Matej Vydra, who spent last season on loan at Watford. The chasing pack also includes Crystal Palace, Fulham and Werder Bremen. Meanwhile Liverpool will celebrate getting shot of Carroll by facilitating Brendan Rodgers's winger habit, signing Christian Atsu from Porto for £5m, Luis Alberto from Sevilla and Henrikh Mkhitaryan from Shakhtar Donetsk.
Arsenal are unsure about paying £24m for Marouane Fellaini so will move for Real Sociedad's Asier Illarramendi, who has a release clause of £25.7m. Don't ask questions about things like logic, just smile and nod. Smile and nod.
Andre Wisdom is set to join Fulham on loan from Liverpool, while Fulham, Norwich, Palace and Swansea all want Birmingham's £2m winger Nathan Redmond. Only one of him can have him, though, unless they all agree to share. Fulham get him on Mondays and Tuesdays, Norwich on Wednesdays and Thursdays, Palace on Fridays and Saturdays, Swansea on Sundays.