Everything Happens for a Reason & Other Cliche Things Christians Say About Baby Loss & Grief | Part 01
ARTICLE BY KRISTIN HERNANDEZ
We’ve all heard the phrases. We are familiar with common words spoken to the grieving, often in an attempt to soothe our broken hearts. We know our friends and family mean well and that their hearts break with ours, yet the words still hurt somehow. While we want to be gracious when approaching topics like this, it is important to recognize that many of these frequently-used phrases are not only hurtful, but they simply are not true.
We have the freedom and the responsibility to speak the truth with love and grace. I would challenge us and anyone walking alongside a hurting loved one to take very seriously whether the words they speak about God are true before we say them. Let’s not spread misinformation about God and the Bible. Let’s consider whether our words line up with what the Bible says and whether they accurately depict God and His promises before they leave our lips. Let’s lovingly and graciously educate others when we hear words that are untrue.
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
Most of us have heard this one many times before. I heard it after we received a terminal prenatal diagnosis for our firstborn son. I heard it after he died in the delivery room. I heard it following our subsequent miscarriages. The words stung each time. Everything felt so heavy and I knew I couldn’t “handle it”. I felt so broken and so very weak.
Friend, did you know this statement is nowhere to be found in the Bible? We’ve heard the words so many times we easily begin to accept it as truth and assume it must be written somewhere in scripture, but it’s not there. No matter how many times you read through the Bible, you simply won’t find it.
Though we won’t find these words, we will find countless reminders of our weaknesses and God’s strength. We will find countless reminders that we can’t do it on our own and that we are reliant on God’s power to help us. In II Corinthians 12:9-10, Paul tells of a time he pleaded with God to take away the thing that afflicted him most. He then says, "But he (God) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The reality of our own weakness may sound discouraging at first, but we can take such comfort knowing God is not trying to find out how much we can handle. We can take comfort knowing that our feelings of weakness are normal. When we battle fear, depression, doubt, and grief, God’s strength is enough for us even when we don’t feel it. We were never meant to handle it on our own.
(I Corinthians 10:13 is a verse many people use in reference to “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, but when reading the entire chapter we see these words are referring to temptation to sin, not pain or suffering.)
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This one stings and can feel complicated to unpack. Does everything happen for a reason? When we look to scripture I believe we can say “yes”, but not in the way you may be thinking. Oftentimes the “reason” behind our suffering is simply that we live in a broken world, tainted by sin, and unspeakable evils are now a reality. The world is not as it was created to be and I believe Jesus will return again one day to fully restore it (Revelation 21:5).
God is infinitely powerful and nothing happens without filtering through His hands. With this in mind, He is not the author of evil or death, nor does he delight in it. God is the ultimate enemy of death––it is why He sent Jesus to earth to destroy death forever. In the story of Job, Satan approaches God and asks for permission to harass Job. God could have stopped this, yet he allows Satan to afflict Job and forbids him from taking his life. In our humanness, it is difficult for us to wrap our minds around this––a good, good Father allowing death in the world. I’m comforted knowing He is more powerful than evil, that this is all temporary, and that He knows these things hurt and sent Jesus to make it right. We wouldn’t want to be more powerful than Him and we can be thankful we’re not, even if we don’t always understand.
Romans 8:28 says, “...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Many read this to mean the bad things we face are actually good, but that is not what this verse is saying. Death, abuse, etc. have no good in them. There is no silver lining. But nothing is beyond God’s redemption and He works through those horrible things for the good of His children, all while grieving and weeping with us over the brokenness of it all. All while unfolding His plan to restore for all eternity. The death of our children is not “good” and God weeps with us. He isn’t asking us to look for the silver lining in it or to push it aside with a shrug and a “everything happens for a reason.” He mourns with us and invites us to lament, as we grieve the brokenness of this world and await the promise of His return.
MEET KRISTIN
Kristin is a writer, podcaster, and mother to six children — one in her arms and five with Jesus. She is the author of Sunlight in December: A Mother's Story of Finding the Goodness of God in the Storm of Grief and the cohost of the Through the Lens Podcast. Kristin has walked through infertility, miscarriages, and the loss of an infant, and is passionate about sharing hope with grieving women.
She enjoys sunny days outside with family, connecting with friends over coffee, roller coasters, and telling others about Jesus' goodness in the midst of suffering. Kristin lives in Southern California with her husband and living son.
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