Sunny Beach, Bulgaria: a BBC3 documentary in the making

Name: Sunny Beach.

Age: 55.

Appearance: Azure seas, golden sand, cloudless skies, all permanently coated in an ever-deepening layer of teenage vomit.

Sunny Beach? Presumably this is some sort of luminous seaside attraction. Yes, Sunny Beach is indeed Bulgaria's biggest and most popular holiday resort.

What a wonderful name. How perfectly descriptive. Well, maybe if it was called "Sunny Beach with Loads of Obnoxious Topless 18-Year-Olds from Berkshire Who All Smell Like Lynx Africa Running Around Being Aggressively Hammered On 40p Tequila Shots In a Desperate Attempt to Become as Riddled With Chlamydia as it's Humanly Possible to Be", it'd be a little more accurate. But I see your point.

So this is why we're talking about it. It's less a beach and ... more a BBC3 documentary in the making. Now you're getting it.

Is it really that debauched, though? Apparently so. The Sun is appalled by the state of Sunny Beach, opening a recent article with "Two British girls drunkenly kiss each other in front of a crowd of leering lads who howl like a pack of wolves."

But tabloids make stuff up all the time. No, no, the paper even printed a picture of two girls kissing each other just to back this claim up. Three, in fact. Three separate closeup pictures of different girls in bikinis kissing each other. Not because it's got a creepy obsession with the drunken sexual experimentation of teenage girls, but because it just really needs to back the claim up.

But why Bulgaria? Aren't all the kids supposed to go to Magaluf in the summer? Get with the programme, grandpa. Booze is only quite cheap in Magaluf. On Sunny Beach it's ridiculously cheap – beer costs 45p a pint and you can get 10 shots of tequila for £4.40.

That sounds a bit, you know, dangerous. Well, yes. So many youngsters have died by drunkenly falling off hotel balconies that the British embassy in Bulgaria has started an awareness campaign called Holiday Hangover to keep them safe. But, hey, cheap beer!

Do say: "I've just had my stomach pumped! My crotch itches! Weyyyyy!"

Don't say: "Excuse me, could you possibly direct me to the Tutrakan Museum of Danube Fishing and Boat-Making please?"